I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
