So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
