They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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