chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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