It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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