I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
