Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
