Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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