And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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