I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
