I didn't shave. On purpose
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
