I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
