I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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