i permit you to call me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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