hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i was born a porn star she said
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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