If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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