you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
