In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
and she was petting her beer can
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
