You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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