i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
