I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
