Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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