i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
