last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
