i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
