Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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