i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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