I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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