i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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