come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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