Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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