you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
