I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
