Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
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dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
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I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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