Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
