do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
