i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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