Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Someone shattered a urinal.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
