It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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