I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
