The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
