My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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