hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
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it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
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Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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