he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
