Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
