I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
