five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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