Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
