we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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