i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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