dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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