Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
