Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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