If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
