and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
