I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
