How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
