I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
